Remember when you were a kid and you made up shows or plays to put on in the neighborhood. What, you never did that? Boy did you miss out. I think that is where my creative juices started flowing. I remember pretending to be Pat Boone, crooning out the latest love songs to all my female admirers. I didn’t really have any, but that’s the beauty of the play. Some of the girls down the street had to pretend that they thought I was God’s gift to girls. The payback was that I had to be in their plays and usually had a bit part as a servant or worse yet I had to be in charge of the curtains (blankets) and props. It was good experience for what was to follow: RETAIL SKITS !
My theatrical creative juices lay dormant for about 15 years, but when they began to move they bubbled over. Over the next couple of pages, I want you to experience the drama, the mystery, the sheer magnitude of some of the productions that I have put on through the years. Okay, experience the humor. Looking back, I’m glad that I experienced it, but at the time……
Imagine being inside two large submarine shaped objects that keep grabbing you on both sides of your body. Did you guess it? I was a hot dog! I can’t remember the reason other than we were promoting hot dogs. That was a tight squeeze. I’m just glad that they decided to do it without condiments.
Then there was the time I was told that I was going to lead a “circus parade” at a divisional sales show. There would be 75 store managers, 5 district managers and of course all the headquarters brass. I had visions of myself dressed in a drum major’s uniform with my baton held high. I looked good in a uniform. I remembered because I had only gotten out of my Army uniform about two months earlier. I could see myself standing tall, marching with my head held high and blowing my whistle as I directed my circus troops. Forget all that. My boss informed me that my costume would be that of an elephant and that I would be pulling the lead circus wagon from the parking lot into the exhibition hall, then into the meeting room. No drum major? An elephant? Oh well, it could have been worse, my buddy had to be the bearded lady. Wait a minute, it was worse. Instead of being the noble, gray pachyderm that one associates with being an elephant, I was informed that I would be a pink, yes pink elephant. How humiliating. My only consolation was that there were no gray elephants in the audience to laugh at me. There was an elderly lady with wrinkled legs that laughed at me, but that’s another story.
It was during the E.E.E. (elephant embarrassment episode), that I learned a valuable lesson. If you want the best parts in these skits, you need to get involved in the creation and direction of them.
And so having learned my lesson, I became the Cecil B DeMille of the “retailtainment world.” Yes, I coined that word long before Peters ever thought of it. I think my first entry into “retailtainment” was the Neil Diamond impersonation. Our HBA guy used to be in a band and he had a white sequined cowboy suit. Dim lights, his back turned, Coming To America played real loud; yes, we could pull this off. What we needed was some advance “thought planting”. We started spreading a rumor that the boss had spared no expense for the retail meeting. We didn’t know who was performing, just that it was somebody big. We got the executive secretary to pretend that she had to leave the meeting early to pick someone up at the airport. She of course told all the gossips and swore them to secrecy. It was time. The lights were darkened, Tom was all dressed up and with my guitar across his shoulders and back turned to the audience, the curtain slowed opened to the pounding prelude of Coming To America. My voice boomed out over the loud speaker: “Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Neil Diamond. You know I think we had them all fooled for about 45 seconds, which was about 30 seconds longer than I thought we would. The performance went on without a hitch, except for the fact that my assistant Steve got a little too close to the backdrop with a handful of sparklers and set a small fire that we quickly extinguished.
I also recall the Extravaganza “Fantasy Island”. I having learned my lesson portrayed Mr. Rourke, white tuxedo and all. My children’s toy plane on a stick signaled the start of the show as one of our resident short people shouted “The Plane, The Plane”. Many people came to the Island that day. There were the three stooges trying to “walk this way” and a Chinese Chef telling everyone that “No Tickey, No Chickey!!!!”
I really made it to the top when I performed at a Five Star restaurant overlooking downtown Indianapolis. It was our annual Christmas party only this year we needed a little extra cheering up. You see, some of our employees were out on strike with the UFCW (United Food & Commercial Workers Union) and our loyal employees were attempting a de-certification of same. We decided since we had reserved such a “swanky” place that the best form of cheer we could give the group was to re-write some secular Christmas tunes and perform them in front of the group as they ate their dinner. Old familiar tunes became: “Shermy the Red Nose Striker” and “It’s Beginning to look a lot like Frostbite”. We had previously formed a trio now known for posterity as the “John Deere Boys”. With one guitar and three mediocre voices we belted out tunes dressed in our bib overalls and farm hats. The dinner guests roared with laughter and then applause. We went out into the lobby to take a break only to find that that the Five Star restaurant on the other side of the lobby also had a group performing. They were dressed in black tie and performed to a crowd dressed the same way. I’ll never forget as a lady in a beautiful gown came into the lobby. I jokingly asked her if she thought the boys would let me sit in for a couple of songs. Much to my amazement she said she had heard the laughter coming from our group and wanted to join our party. She said that she just couldn’t handle the string quartet anymore and wanted to see where all the fun was. We invited her in, but she was overdressed and declined.
